Things I've Learned From The 5 Love Languages: Singles Edition

I started reading The 5 Love Languages: Singles Edition by Gary Chapman a few months ago. Originally I was looking into it just out of curiosity. I had previously taken the 5 Love Languages test online and had heard many people talk about it. However, since I'm single I wanted to know how it could relate to me, because I'm not exclusively dating anyone right now; I'm simply going on dates every so often. I'm also writing a book that defines some key characteristics that I've found help in dating and in young adult life {If you have questions or comments about this, please ask me!! It will be another year or so before it's ready for publication, but I'd love to share bits of it with you}.

I hoped that the book would provide me good insights into how to communicate with others. I think that my original plan was to sit down with the book during a free weekend and soak it all up. As soon as I opened the book, though, I realized that my plan was foiled. This book went right to the heart strings within the first few pages. I knew then that I would not finish the book that weekend or even the next weekend.

This book could easily be read in a short period of time, but Chapman strategically placed questions at the end of each chapter. Sometimes they were general questions other times they were probing. When I picked up this book, I wanted to grow. I wanted to test Chapman's idea of the 5 love languages and see how and if they applied to my different levels of relationships. So, rather than devouring this book within a matter of days, I made a plan to slowly work my way through this book. I opened myself to the possibility to change, to ponder, to grow, and to test the things written on the pages.

I didn't fully know what to expect. But I'm glad that I took the time to allow application.

I finished reading this book a few days ago.. I know the past few months I haven't posted much, besides things around my birthday, so I figured that this would be a good post to re-start this blog :)

A note before we start.. Here’s what the 5 Love Languages are:

1. Quality Time
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Acts of Service
4. Physical Touch
5. Gifts

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Things I've Learned from The 5 Love Languages: Singles Edition

• Communication isn't just about marriage.

Before marriage, there's dating. Before dating, we have friends. Before we have friends, we have family. EVERY relationship that we have is important! Every person that we interact with can influence, for good or for bad. We can consciously choose how to interact with the important people in our lives.

• I can apply the 5 Love Languages to ANY relationship.

As I read through this book I took the opportunity to recognize what my parents' and siblings' love languages are, or at least try to. Some of them I straight out asked because it was hard to recognize, but others I was able to figure out fairly easily. Once I understood what helps them to feel the most loved, I experimented. I applied it to our relationship. I didn't do this with every member of my immediate family, but I plan to.

I think that the biggest surprise for me happened when I applied this to my friendships. When I first got this book, I took the 5 love languages test. I wasn't surprised that Quality Time was my first love language. My 2 best friends also took the test and their top love language was also Quality Time.

• I CAN speak all the love languages.

Some of them aren’t very easy, but I can do it if I put my mind to it. Since Quality Time is my #1 love language I’ve mastered how to receive it and how to speak it to others. {I also recognize that sometimes I need to straight out tell people that this is my love language, which I’ve had to do on occasion.}

• Story #1: Gift giving
• I don’t like receiving gifts. I mean, they’re great, but it puts pressure on me. Pressure on how I’ll react, what it’ll mean to me, I’ll start thinking of what I can do to reciprocate the gift, etc. My anxiety goes crazy, so receiving gifts is stressful for me.. {I had a birthday party recently. I didn’t open the gifts while my guests were there; I opened them afterwards by myself.} However, I do enjoy giving gifts. I love Christmas and birthdays. My family jokes because I usually start my Christmas shopping in June. I really like to think about my relationship with that individual, find something that they like, or something that will make them laugh. Previously I only gave gifts to my family. But as I was reading this book, I decided to test out gift giving. My roommate was having a hard day; that same day I was planning to pick up her birthday present (which was a few weeks away), so I also got a funny card and some bubbles. I hoped that would cheer her up {It was a success :)} It was out of the norm for me, but her reaction was priceless.
• Story #2: Acts of Service
• Another friend hasn't taken the test, but I've been testing out the love languages on him. Chapman mentions that not every one receives the love languages in the same way. I couldn't tell right away what this friend's love language was, but I could tell what it wasn't. Within a period of an hour I applied 3 different love languages. He replied well to quality time and words of affirmation, but he was taken aback when I applied acts of service. Now, I do realize that this may be because he is male and I'm female; he had given me rides to run some errands, so on the way out of the store I carried some of his groceries. He said that he could carry them and that he didn't want people to think that he was making me carry the heavier items. I then told him that I was very grateful that he’d given me rides that day (Words of Affirmation) and so I wanted to show my gratitude by carrying some of his groceries, since I had an open hand and his were full.
• Story #3: More gift giving
• Having guy friends is kind of weird, right? If there’s teasing and inside jokes people think you’re dating, right? It doesn’t have to be weird!! I had no problem giving a gift to my roommate because she’s a girl and my best friend. We share stuff and talk about life together.

Growing up I didn’t talk to guys, pretty much just for school assignments or when ‘forced’ to. {Not saying that I didn’t admire them from afar ;) just that I didn’t talk to them. And I definitely did not have guy friends.} Having friends growing up was tough because I went to school on a military base. My family wasn’t military, but pretty much everyone else was, which meant they’d only be around for 3 years tops. Therefore, I went through most of school as a loner; I didn’t want to get attached just to have them leave soon after. Anyways, I digress.

I wanted to get out of my comfort zone. I decided to give a gift to a guy friend. One friend that I know from church has a specific tie that gives him trouble. The back part of the tie is always sticking out, never staying in place, and it drives me nuts. I’ve ‘fixed’ it for him plenty of times. So, I decided to get him some tie clips. Not that he necessarily needed them per se, but because it was an opportunity for me to practice gift giving. Tie clips aren’t expensive and I see this friend fairly often. So, I bought some tie clips, but then ended up not seeing this friend for almost a month! When I finally did see him {on a Sunday} I was ready to give him the tie clips. However, he wasn’t wearing that tie that usually causes trouble. I told him that he’d ruined my plan because he was wearing a tie that actually stayed in place! We laughed about it. He said thank you for the clips and even put one on right then!

Am I awkward at gift giving? I can be. But it’s something that I’m willing to work on. I honestly hope that my future husband’s #1 love language is NOT gifts.. Because not only does my anxiety go crazy when I get gifts; giving gifts can get kind of crazy too.

Anyways, I’m glad that I took the opportunity to test out speaking the love languages that aren’t easy for me.. It was eye opening. I’m glad to know that I CAN speak them, even if it is uncomfortable.

• Writing in books makes me happy. :D
• This one might seem silly.. But I was genuinely happy to write in this book. I wrote notes to myself. Goals I have. Things I want to improve on. How I can incorporate some of these ideas into the book that I’m writing.

• Working through emotions is healthy.
• Most of you know that anxiety and depression are a big part of my life. They’re not as big as they used to be, though. For years I didn’t deal with my emotions; I just pushed them aside. I blocked out my emotions or pushed them out, with the plan to deal with them eventually, maybe when life was a little less hectic. Or when I got to a point in life where I was successful. Or truly happy. I was waiting for the ideal time, but surprise, there never would be an ideal time.

I’ve been trying to be better about that. Like I mentioned earlier, this book hit me right in the heart strings early on. After reading the first chapter I left this book alone for a while. I knew that I could just read it and be done. But I wanted to really let this book influence me and help me learn about how I communicate with others.

I realized that if I was going to do that, it would be hard. I would have to get out of my comfort zone. I would have to do hard things. I’d probably cry, and be angry, maybe even bitter. Some depression might kick in. I’d think of all the things that made me ineligible for marriage, reasons I wasn’t good enough. I’d be jealous of friends that were in successful relationships. I’d wonder if I’d made a mistake when I broke up with my ex. I’d try to imagine what my life would be like if I’d gotten married young. Emotions would come into play and I didn’t know if I was ready to deal with them.

They ALL came. Everything that I thought I would feel? I felt. And many more things.

Was it pleasant? NO. Do I regret it? NO.

If something’s easy, you might be doing it wrong. You’re probably not growing. I had no way of knowing what I would learn through reading this book and applying certain things into my relationships. But I’m soo glad that things happened the way that they did! It’s helped me to move forward, to recognize things that I can work on, and to appreciate the relationships that I do have.

• Putting others first is invigorating. And fulfilling.

• Effort
• = work + growth = unifying

• Self reflection can lead to change
• Which can lead to understanding
• Which can foster a desire for application
• Which ultimately promotes growth

• Testing out the love languages was awkward, but it can lead to a more meaningful and understanding bond.

• Dating affirmations
• This is a difficult one for me…. Sarcasm is my #1 way of flirting. So, trying to go from sarcasm to affirming someone? AWKWARD.
• I still need practice with this one.
• I’m going to try to be better about a few (fairly easy) things on dates, such as:
• Complimenting his appearance
• Thanking him for the date
• Commenting on one of his characteristics that I appreciate or admire

• I realized that when I applied Acts of Service I was less prone to anxiety, depression, etc. It gave me an opportunity to look outside of myself and to support someone else. I really liked that.

A few months ago I made a list of the pros and cons of being in a relationship. One of the pros that I included was the ability and opportunity to serve, but also to have someone to support me (emotionally). A person that I can encourage in his endeavors. Someone that leads a life different from mine {not in regards to value and lifestyle; looking more at hobbies, experiences, etc.}, but that I can be excited for and support.

That’s still true; it’s definitely a pro. But now? I’m actually open to the possibility. I close myself off from a lot of people, for a variety of reasons. And dating has been difficult for me. {Not just in the sense that I don’t get asked out very often, but in the sense that I have not been open to sharing my life with someone else.}

I read the Singles Edition because I was not in a romantic relationship or even “looking” for one. I wanted to look at how I communicate with others and see what I could do to improve {because I knew I could}.

As I’ve been practicing the 5 Love Languages, it’s enhanced my relationships. None are romantic, which means they are pressure free! The true test would be to apply this in dating.

So, now that my personal love tank is full, I’m going to keep on going. I’m going to move forward in life and pursue things that I want. I have educational and career goals that I’m actively working on. Spiritual and intellectual goals are being pursued. And now I’m actively going to try to be more open in my relationships. Now that I’ve practiced application of the love languages, I’m more open to using them.

A romantic relationship may not come soon, but I’m going to let myself be open to it.

So, there’s a few things that I learned from The 5 Love Languages: Singles Edition. Have you read it? Do you want to? {I think that this book can be powerful for anyone that reads it. I don’t think that you have to do it in the same way that I did by taking months to read it and applying or practicing every love language.. That’s just what I decided to do.}

Love,
D. J. Lathrop