Untitled (just let it unfold)

I know that you mean well. And that you're genuine.

But telling me to just 'be patient' doesn't do much. That's what my life is built on. Being patient and having faith in the Lord's timing. I know that it's not going to be in my timing. The only way I'm going to get a man is with divine intervention.
My interactions and flirting moments with men are certainly not enough to spark interest. They will need God's help to glimpse who I truly am.

That's right. Dating is hard. And this week I've felt like crap in regards to how I'm doing in the 'dating game'. Conversations were had, feelings were shared, goodbyes were said. Then my thoughts went into overdrive. And then the tears came.

Not just because of dating. But because of other relationships (friendships) that I have.

I don't trust easily. And recent events are having me put walls back up. This time they're thicker, taller, and stronger than ever before.
Having trust issues sucks. But so does having a very big heart.

I want to let people in. And I do. They get to know me on surface level, we share some deeper thoughts (still very close to the surface, but just a step below), and then they leave.
That's how it always works. Always. It's not just because of other happenings in their life. Or in mine. I haven't been able to figure it out.
But it certainly seems like it's because of me. Something that I said or did. Or something that I did NOT say or do.

So often on Pinterest and social media I see posts or quotes about somebody who is broken. And they want one person (their one true love) to put the pieces back together. I see those a lot. And every time, I stop to stare at it. And think, pffffft!
I know that my tone may be perceived as pessimistic or narcissistic. That's not fully my intent, but it is my initial reaction.

I do believe that love can heal a lot of things, but past trials and struggles will not magically disappear. They will resurface. There may be new experiences that have similar sequences and feelings to what you've previously gone through.
I may have to relive my darkest moments. But I'll now have a choice: to relive them by myself or to turn to my loved one for support.
This may be especially difficult if these feelings and struggles have come because of something that my loved one said or did. Or, in many cases, did NOT say or do.

I know that this may not make sense; my writing rarely does.

Trust is many things. But, most importantly, it's a verb. I don't just judge a person and decide that they're not trustworthy. (Well, I mean I could, but that would certainly be a jerk move on my part, not even giving them a chance.) I should give them a chance, because I hope that's what I'll receive as well. A legit chance to prove that I am trustworthy. That I will support, sustain, and love another. (This does not just mean romantic relationships. Friendships are VITAL to this mortal existence.) Because if I'm doing my best and putting forth actions and expressions that are loving and supportive, perhaps they shall do the same. If I do something that's hard for me, perhaps it will inspire them. Whether it's something that they're struggling with as well, or that they simply needed a nudge/reminder of something that should be in every relationship.

Bringing another person into the equation will not solve everything or take any pain. It is quite wonderful to have someone to lean on figuratively, I imagine.

Currently there are only a handful of people who I can lean on. But they're human and have faults (just like me), so sometimes my trust in them wavers. Of course, I can always lean on God and Jesus Christ. But some days I just really need a hug.

Recognizing and admitting my trust issues is hard.
You may realize that in most of blog posts I'm pretty raw and vulnerable. It's because I can't say these things in person. My mind takes a while to process things. But these are things that I feel should be addressed more.

My last blog post about my depression and anxiety was easy to write, manageable to publish, but hard to share on social media.

The world at large expects everyone to wear a facade of happiness and perfection. Which is absolute rubbish!

I am enough.
I am who I need to be.
I am recognizing who I want to be.

I defy social norms.
It's not always on purpose, sometimes it's brought about because of my anxiety or depression. Or it stems from one of my other medical conditions (yep, I have other hard medical conditions that I deal with daily).
The best part? I'm beginning to understand what a blessing my anxiety, depression, and medical conditions are. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't do certain things. I would be *gasp* normal (even though such a thing does not exist).

I've been told that life isn't meant to be easy.
I'm glad.

I don't have someone by my side. There is no man. (although it is a vacant position that I would love to have filled!)
But I am beginning to be okay with that.
I am who I need most.
And that is enough.

End rant. {I like this ending.}

Love,
D. J. Lathrop