Constants

God is constant.
Life is constant.
Change is constant.

Everything else is a variable in a myriad of events and exchanges.

We as humans are not meant to stay the same. Which can be a good thing and a bad thing.

Change helps us to grow. We choose whether it has positive or negative effects on our life.

I have 2 variables that seem to be constants. They are constantly with me, but usually I can manage them.

{These are very real and vulnerable thoughts, so please leave judgment aside.}

I have been battling anxiety and depression my entire life, but it wasn't identified (diagnosed) until December of 2013.

A lot of things in my life seemed to have fallen out of place, others fell back into place. I thought that being a missionary meant that God would take care of all my problems. And He did, but not in the time that I expected.

My anxiety and depression may appear to be a curse or hardship. It's certainly not easy. But I like to view them as my greatest blessings.

Because of my depression, I have come closer to God. When I'm having a bad day and it's on the brink of debilitation, I turn to Him for strength and comfort.

Because of my anxiety, I am a deep thinker.

Because of my depression, I have a deep appreciation for the arts. I've been writing songs for years. It seems that my best ones come when I am struggling to overcome my depression.

Because of my anxiety, I better understand my body. I can identify triggers of panic attacks and tactfully face them head on, usually calming myself before a full attack happens.

Because of my depression, I feel things deeply.
For a while I closed myself off completely and felt no emotion. But life is for the joy and sorrow, happiness and struggles, laughter and tears. I don't want to miss out on that.

Because of my anxiety, I notice things that others don't.

These are my constants.
My life would be different without them. I'm glad I don't have to experience that.
Because this is my life, the things that push me towards change. So I will fully embrace them, most days. Or at the very least, look back to see how they've brought me to where I am.

Some days suck because of them. Monday was one of them.
The majority of the day was pretty good, but then I went to FHE. I arrived with friends and we were having a good time. Then the activity was explained and. I. froze. We were playing Minute To Win It games. In front of the whole ward.

I've never liked being in the spotlight, even if there were dozens of other people there too. I don't like being called from a crowd. I don't like doing unplanned things.

I have to mentally prepare myself for a LOT of things. It's kind of ridiculous.
- going to class
- going to the cafeteria
- going to church
- riding on the bus
- working
- going on a date
- hanging out with friends
- going to a dance
- attending an event (ex: play, concert, recital)

Other people can transition from one activity to the next quite easily. I have to prepare myself and take specific steps. It can be annoying.

I try my best to be 'normal' but my bad days come. Unwarranted, unpredictable.

So, if I disappear from an event, I'm probably battling my anxiety.

If I cancel plans, I'll probably want to reschedule. Because mentally I can't handle it that day.

If I seem down and reply only in grunts or short sentences, I probably can't handle being social that day. I probably am simply proud that I made it out of the house.

This is not something that I enjoy. My anxiety and depression? We're not friends.
But I accept them. I realize that they're not leaving anytime soon, perhaps not ever. But I don't want them to be debilitating. I want my experiences with them to help mold me into the woman that I need to become. No matter how crummy my path with them may be, I'm going to keep on walking with my head held high and a smile on my face, even when the winds roar and the tears pour.

They are my constants.

Love,
D. J. Lathrop