Saying Goodbye to Something Good

Breaking up is hard. It's a well known fact.
I don't like to write about (or even talk about) my love life, especially in such a public forum.... But I've been thinking about this for a while.

We were officially together for only a few months, but it felt longer (in a good way). It's been 16 days (17 by the time this is posted) since I said goodbye.

I will refer to the guy as Kirk for the remainder of this post (*name has been changed).

AND let me just say upfront, this will NOT be a post bashing Kirk or talking down on anything that happened during our time together. We mutually felt it was the right step to take.

I'm going to try to share as little as possible as to why we broke up, but I will have to share some things to truly express my feelings and the steps I'm taking in the healing process.

But I'm not going to try to have this make sense. I'm just going to type what comes to mind!

When I decided to break things off: I. was. devastated. I've seen so many movies about breakups, heard so many people talk about how bad they were. But, oddly enough, I had never supported a friend through one. Because those circumstances had never presented themselves.

So, my breakup was the first. I didn't know what to expect. How to do it. How I would feel. How I was "supposed to" feel. Or how I was going to cope.

It was a Friday when the decision was made. I wouldn't see Kirk again until Sunday. So, I had the entire weekend knowing what was coming.
Side note: my anxiety gets really bad sometimes. That weekend was no exception.

I wrote down what I was going to say and I also wrote a letter explaining more.

I'd never cried so much in such a short period of time. I didn't tell my roommates. Or my family. God was the only one that I talked to. I found quiet places on campus that I could go to, trying to distract myself, but I always ended up crying.

I was devastated to be losing someone so special in my life.
But what I worried about most? Hurting him.
I didn't want to blindside him. I loved him. And because I loved him, I broke up with him as soon as I realized that I would not some day marry him (which we had agreed was the goal).

My heart broke. Knowing that in a matter of hours I would speak words that would like crush my man's heart. Isn't it crazy? Love.

Anyway, I learned that it'd be a little longer before I could see him. It was getting tricky because I saw a lot of friends that weekend and they all asked how Kirk & I were doing (because that's what friends do:)! I didn't want to lie and say that we were 2 happy love birds excited for our future together. I also didn't want to not respond. So I just said 'good' or 'fine'.

I spent the afternoon alone. I rehearsed what I was going to say. I'd already texted him & said I wanted to talk about something.

I arrived at the meeting place. And then my anxiety hit. But when he arrived, I just said it. It happened so quickly, like ripping off a band aid.

We hugged, I cried. And then ran the other way.

End story.

I cried more that following week. Randomly. But I made sure that I was in a 'safe place'. My home. The school. The bathroom. Places where people wouldn't stare.

I cried myself to sleep a few times.

I read a few articles about breaking up. (I know, I know, don't trust social media or magazine advice columns.) I had so many emotions running through me, I didn't know how to control them.

I read that there were several emotional stages of a breakup. A few being: sorrow, anger, revenge, fulfillment, abandonment, closure.

I didn't go through all of the stages, because I didn't need them all. I'm certainly not 'over' it, so I'm still working on closure and fulfillment.

But I was surprised. At how quickly I went through a few of the stages.

When I thought of breakups I would think of movie scenes where girls are eating ice cream and talking trash about the guy.

I didn't want that. I told my roommates and family about it the day that it happened, but that was it. I didn't talk about how or why, until several days later.
Like I said earlier, it was a mutual split, and I didn't feel any anger or dislike towards Kirk. SO although I did have some ice cream, I didn't let myself focus on it. Or channel anger.

There was a lot of reflection and soul searching on my part.

Realizing that I was yet again single was a rude awakening for me. I realized how closed off I'd been towards friends and people at church. I knew it was time to change that. (Something that I'm still working on).

So, yeah, breaking up sucks. But it wasn't the end of the world for me.

I cherish the time that Kirk and I were together. That's what I needed at that time of my life.

But now? I'm going to find other things to do with my life. Focus on school and work. Build and nurture friendships.

Eventually I'll find myself loving someone else. And at that point in time it'll be right, for the guy and for me.
He might not be the man I marry. It may be a few men and several years down the road before I'm blessed to find a man that is willing to commit to be with me for time and all eternity and that I'm willing to do the same.
So, until then, I'm going to enjoy things the way they are. Although I said goodbye to a relationship with Kirk, that doesn't mean I'm done. That wasn't my one chance at love. I'm going to enjoy the little things. Cherish every friendship and relationship that I have. Better myself and prepare myself for what's to come. So that when the next relationship presents itself, I'll be ready.

Don't give up hope. Take it one day at a time.

Love,
D. J. Lathrop